I Do My Own Stunts

Warning, ladies: Steps to Itta Bena are hazardous in heels. By all accounts, I'm a graceful girl. I can count on one hand the times I've slipped/fallen in my adult life, but I had to add one last night. The worst part is that while alcohol was involved, it did not cause the fall, though I don't think anyone believed me.

I had only had four drinks in about three hours, which by all accounts, is not a lot for me. One of those drinks was at Itta Bena. I was there with a girlfriend and some of her friends from out of town. We wanted to take them there because of its unique atmosphere and hidden speakeasy quality. That's why we went up the old, wooden stairs from inside B.B. King's. No problem. But going down was a different story.

I was wearing strappy heels that I have worn, walking downtown enough that they are apparently worn smooth. And when I was stepping down with my right foot, my heel slid off the edge of the equally smooth step, sending my graceful ass bumping down the stairs, screaming. The manager even stuck his head out the door to make sure we were okay. And there I am sprawled out on the stairs. Luckily, I didn't take out the people in front of me, but for a second, I thought I was going to die ... of embarassment.

Why am I telling you this? Maybe just because while men usually tell stories about their accomplishments, women tend to tell stories about times they made fools of themselves. (Just an interesting tidbit I remember from a linguistics class.) Or maybe I want to use my unfortunate experience to help others.

I know what you're thinking -- yet another threat to our safety. We have to carry mace, keep a constant eye on our purses, and make sure we're not in the same room with a girl wearing the same dress. And now we have to worry about old, wooden stairs. But all we can do is take reasonable precautions.

If you are wearing heels you've had for a while, take them off on these or other old wooden stairs. Or take the other stairs to and from Itta Bena (on Second). Trust me -- you don't want the possibly broken toe, sore back and the bruises I have -- on my foot, ankle, and my ego. I'm not blaming Itta Bena for any of it. All I ask of them is, if they are in fact greasing the stairs, I would like them to stop. It's not nice.

WestEndGirl

Posted by admin at 01:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Are You Tired of Potpourri That You Can't Eat?

Are you tired, fat, and hungry? New Island Spice Potpourri can change your life. Not only does Island Spice smell good and taste good, it boosts energy, kills stubborn belly fat, and it's clinically proven to enhance a certain part of the male body.

All potpourri smells good, but why can't you eat it? Island Spice is all-natural with no guarana, it contains leptin to zap fat pockets, and it will make your penis bigger!

So enhance the atmosphere of your home with a free faux pewter bowl with your purchase of Island Spice Potpourri. Serve it at parties as an hors d'oeuvres. Watch the fat melt away, and improve your sex life! All that for only $19.99!

Act now and double the offer! Get two packages of Island Spice for the price of one when you call now. 555-ISLANDS

Results not typical. Not intended for direct use on the genitalia.

Posted by admin at 02:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BONEZ!

Buy this man a drink. It's his birthday!

Robert "Bonez" Maloney celebrates a birthday today, and he's looking good for 78! Robert still gets around on his own, and he attributes his health to a little tequila now and then. He enjoys working in his garden, and he's quite a story teller! Happy birthday, Bonez!

Brought to you by Smucker's. With a name like Smucker, it has to be good!

Posted by admin at 11:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Memphis and the Tigers: Healing the Heartbreak

It took me a few days to deal with the Tigers' loss of the final game and to put my thoughts into words. I don't have to explain the heartbreak of just missing the NCAA championship title. It's something all Memphis fans are feeling right now.

John Walters of NBCSports.com wrote a great article about our misread Memphis team. In it, he explains at least some of what is behind the "nobody likes us" feeling we keep getting. It involves the media's tendency to avoid covering a player's background if he doesn't have a traditional, if not prestigious "All-American" lineage.

Commentators dismissed Calipari's "we get no respect" comments with notes of sarcasm, but we know it's true. We knew all along that if the U of M were a more prestigious school, everyone would have been singing our praises. Instead, even with a record 38 wins, no one outside the Rodney Dangerfield-of-basketball-club (that's us) seems surprised we didn't take the title.

What Walters, as a non-Memphian, could never explain is the rest of what's behind our heartbreak. Come to think of it, those of us seeking solace in those 38 wins shouldn't be surprised either. Don't get me wrong -- I was behind the Tigers all the way. But as Memphians, shouldn't we be used to heartbreak by now?

It's a word that has come up to describe Memphis in numerous articles before and since our historic game Monday. That damn Elvis song is our anthem as we've always been so lonely as a city, with the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., sealing our fate of permanent heartbreak. Within four days of honoring the country's greatest civil rights leader, the climactic loss played out like yet another dramatic irony for Memphis.

Of course, basketball is just a game, and the two incidents do not compare. However, it's difficult for Memphians to shake a very real case of the blues, and we continuously sing an all-too-familiar tune.

We know the past is thick in the air here, and in a way, it's an asset. But while Memphis has grown up, the rest of the world (besides Elvis fans) sees us as illegitimate children from the ghetto. We are seen as unworthy or we make them uncomfortable, much like some of our very talented basketball players.

Memphians know, however, not to complain. We would only sound like sore losers. But at this point I have to wonder ... are we doing this to ourselves? Are we allowing the outside view to perpetuate an inferiority complex?

The Tiger fans in San Antonio after our win over UCLA didn't allow any such nonsense. Every time ESPN broadcast from outside the arena, the reporter struggled to be heard over the constant "T-I-G-E-R-S TIGERS!" With our winning streak and the hope of a championship title, it was easy to show our pride. We want to be proud. We need to be proud, and we so needed that title. Or did we?

Didn't the Tigers give us plenty to be proud of? Sure a trophy would be nice, but we don't need it. They gave us more than just a record season -- they united us and gave us that something to be proud of we've been waiting for. I consider them heroes. But Memphis has so much to be proud of.

Not only did we give the world the blues and Elvis, we have a growing, vibrant art scene, complete with writers, musicians, visual artists, and filmmakers. We have one of the most highly-regarded ballet troupes in the country. Downtown, which is the heart of the city, has artistic and educational demonstrations on almost any given day for free. We have Autozone Park, the best Minor League stadium in the country, a rich history, a plethora of cultures, great restaurants, and an entertaining nightlife. Overton Park is the only urban park in the country made of virgin forest. We have compassionate programs in place to help those who are poor, uneducated, and homeless. We have hospitals that treat children whether or not their families can afford it, not to mention the revolutionary corporations that launched here. We are home to the National Civil Rights Museum, a sophisticated tribute and continuation of Dr. King's legacy. Besides all that and more, Memphis is a best-of-both-worlds phenomenon that we, as citizens, call a "big small town."

So instead of hoping for a big win, maybe Memphis needs to stop feeling like a loser. What would Coach Cal say? That if we want to win, we better act like winners? I don't know, but maybe an attitude adjustment would work just as well as a trophy ... or better. Maybe, in order to heal our heartbreak, all we need to do is cheer for our city like we did for the Tigers.

Harmony Stewart

Posted by admin at 12:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

ePanhandling

CNN yesterday reported on something called e-panhandling. They don't seem to have it on their website for me to link to, but if you google it, you'll find people using the web to panhandle.

Sites like cyberbeg.com have stories of how individuals got into debt trouble, even explaining that they like to shop too much if that was the case. And many of them are getting their debts paid off. Go figure. All our bums need is an internet connection.

Posted by admin at 11:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Bite Me, Dick Vitale

GO TIGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by admin at 10:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Fed to Rename Penny 'Dollar'

In response to the current economic downturn, the Fed announced today a plan to give relief to the average American and boost the economy.

For 48 hours, beginning at 7 a.m. tomorrow, you can spend pennies as if they were dollars. The idea is to give people something to do with pennies while reflecting something closer to the true value of the dollar.

Like many Americans, Memphian Shondra Jackson is feeling the pressure of the economic slow down. She hopes the temporary increase in the penny's value will end what she is sure is a recession. "What's with all the speculating?" she says. "Downturn! Slow down? Whatever they call it, it's a recession. I can't even afford to drive to work. People be burning they own houses down 'cause they can't afford the payments. And they bail out Bear Stearns. Bail me out, motherfucker! I'll downturn they ass!"

The Fed believes their plan will give a shot to the balls of the economy, but economic analysts warn to have a strategy. "To make the most of this quick fix," say analysts, "consumers should consider where they spend their penny-dollars. If you go shopping, be aware that your money may very well end up going to China or another foreign economy. If you buy gas, you know where that's going. The best strategy is to spend your money on American beer and cigarettes. Have a good time while you still can."

Posted by admin at 01:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Downtown Blue Monkey Grand Opening With FREE BEER!

The infamous Downtown Blue Monkey, best known for taking their sweet-ass time, is finally opening tonight.

"We've made people wait long enough," say the owners. "So we decided let's just do it. Let's open the doors and give the people what they want." And what the people want is free beer.

That's right. Not only will the doors open at 5 p.m. tonight, but they will serve free beer until 7. So you better get there early.

Posted by admin at 12:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

memphisLimelight

Memphis, straight up, with a twist of highfalutin.

April 19, 2008