Saturday afternoon, popular Memphis blogger Paul Ryburn rejected the urging of his peers to act hypercubicly.  The incident took place at the Flying Saucer when a group of his friends pressured Paul to go somewhere else briefly.  "Come on.  Be hypercubic," they urged.  But Ryburn stood his ground.

"I'm not leaving my base of operation," he explained, referring to the bar so many downtowners love to hate.  And according to recent studies, Ryburn's being above the influence is commendable.

"Hypercubism, though doubted to be a real word, is a slippery slope," explains UT Memphis Psychology Professor Lincoln Townsend.  "It starts with one small act.  You try something new, out of your comfort zone.  The next thing you know you're bordering on hyperbolic.  You have no boundaries, and you may lose interest in activities you once enjoyed.  You may begin to neglect your hygeine."

Ryburn is proud he averted such possible disaster, and warns against giving in to peer pressure.  "I, for one, don't need to be uber dimensional to have a good time."

Townsend recommends sticking to what you know and seeking professional help if you or someone you know displays any geometrically-extreme warning signs.

Penny Lane

Parents:  Are your teens experimenting with hypercubism?  Know the facts, and learn to talk to your teens by getting help from a stranger.  Call 888-555-HYPE.

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In celebration of Ryan Hamlin's birthday, friend Bonez Maloney gave him a giant Yoda pez dispenser that he found at Tater Red's on Beale.  While as a novelty item, Yoda should still be in his packaging on some geek's shelf, once out of his packaging, Yoda came out of his shell.  Judging from the Pez and from Yoda's behavior as the night progressed, he had been pent up in Tater Red's for quite some time.  As you can see, Yoda thought it was his birthday:

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Local marketing director Clive Poteet was shocked to find himself in the unemployment line late yesterday afternoon.

“I did everything just like the Mayor,” he explained “I just knew I was getting that corner office.”

Poteet goes on to explain that over the last 8 years he followed the mayor’s example faithfully. “I did my best to make sure everyone in the office hated me. Walked with a cane so I would be in a protected class and everything.”

Of course any plan comes with challenges. Poteet acknowledges that he almost got fired over a racy email he sent an accounts payable clerk. However, when he accused upper management of a conspiracy, the controversy was quietly put to bed.

So after 8 years of trying to become the most infamous employee at Brachenton and Sons,  Poteet made his move. As a total surprise to those that knew him well, Clive turned in his two weeks notice.

“I let them wait two or three days. Just spent my time searching youtube. Then I told them that I would only resign if they gave me the corner office. Management balked at first, but then they agreed if I would put it in writing. Hell they had it notarized and everything.” Poteet says with a shrug. “You know it took me three whole days to move into that office. My wife bought me one of those miniature gardens. I bought a little green I could practice my putting on. All told, I spent over two grand on fixing it up first class.”

Unfortunately, Mr. Brachenton had other plans.

“I was just sitting down at my desk to change my LinkedIN settings when a bunch of attorneys came through the door. Apparently the company claimed that I had breached a contract. Their theory is that I didn’t resign after getting the corner office like I had agreed to do” explains Poteet.  “I just don’t know what I did wrong.”

Lars Henrickrickson, Semi-Funny Political Analyst

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Suggested Friday Night Schedule:

• Skip the Saucer after work because the weather's not that nice.
• Do the South Main Art Trolley Tour (6-9) anyway because SoMain needs your business.  I recommend The Jay Etkin Gallery and The Jack Robinson Gallery.
• 8:57 - Watch Tigers game (not at Calhoun's because I want to make sure I have a seat)
• Kris Kourdouvelis’ 25th Annual Birthday Bash.
  The Warehouse. 36 GE Patterson. 526-5747. 8pm. Music by The Bo Keys and DJ Spanish Fly plus various surprise artists throughout the evening. Don't worry- the Tigers game will be shown on multiple screens! Ample parking in lot across the street.
• Stop by Earnestine & Hazel's for Rock 'n' Roll Blood Bath. 531 S Main. 531-7826. 9pm. $7. With Mike McCarthy.
  
  

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After the lucky win for Tennessee weeks ago, which gave Memphis their only loss and gave teeth to an already bitter rivalry, you'd think Memphis fans would be happy to see Tennessee go.  But many of them say that isn't the case.

"I witnessed a barroom brawl over Rockytop being played on the jukebox," says one Tigers fan and Calhoun's patron.  "I'm going to miss hoping for a revenge match and that intense city vs. state hatred.  But at least they won't be playing that hillbilly fight song in my bar any time soon."

The consensus among Memphis fans seems to be that what they will miss most is rooting against Tennessee.  "It was almost as much fun rooting against the Vols as it was rooting for the Tigers," says one Memphian.  "That orange color triggers an exhilirating rage in me that I'm really going to miss."

"I want to eat an orange right now," shouted one Tigers fan while watching last night's game between Tennessee and Louisville.  He and others banged on Calhoun's bar, cheering Louisville on.

As the madness increases and the number of teams dwindles, some Memphis fans suggest setting sights on UNC, though it is difficult to provoke rage in sweet, powder blue.

Ben Chwarmer, Sports Writer

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Aries:  Party like it's your birthday!

Everyone else:  Buy this guy a beer if you see him out.

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Mayor Willie Herenton resigned this afternoon, and the reaction was something like this:

Ding-dong the witch is dead
Which old witch? The wicked witch
Ding-dong the wicked witch is dead
Wake up you sleepyhead
Rub your eyes, get out of bed
Wake up the wicked witch is dead
She's gone where the goblins go
Below - below - below
Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out
Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low
Let them know the Wicked Witch is dead

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You may remember Jenkins Alabaster Mayweather as the founder of JAMSAB, School for the Advancement of Bums, named in his honor.  Some say that's what makes him the man for his new undertaking.

"I ain't panhandling.  I'm politickin," he says.  And the need for the distinction, according to Mayweather, is because he's black. 

"He walked up and asked if he could ask me a question," says one Beale Street tourist.  "I said no.  I assumed he would ask for change." 

"I want change, and that's what you should want," says Mayweather.  "They don't want to admit it, but we're in a recession.  We all need change.  And can we get it?  I say yes we can!"

As for the kind of change he's calling for, Mayweather says, "In this day and age, a black man should be able to axe people querstions.  They don't know that I might have the answer to their querstions about education -- I started my own school, gas prices, how to get ahead.  America is so messed up, I'll take any kind of change.  But I ain't too fond of Lincoln if you know what I'm sayin."

Mayweather wasn't clear about what particular office he's running for.  When asked if he's hinting at the presidency, he replied, "I could be.  But I like to reach out to people one-on-one.  You'll never know if you don't give me a chance to explain my five-point plan and my referendurm."

Penny Lane 

In response to http://www.theonion.com/content/news/black_guy_asks_nation_for_change

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As predicted, Every Day I Have the Blues has made it to the semifinals in the Arts Memphis film contest.  Due to technical difficulties on their site, I have put the film on youtube, and you can view it here:

"http://www.youtube.com/v/A-_h1zVuVBM"

Then please cast your vote by following the instructions at "video contest" on www.artsmemphis.org

 THANK YOU!

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You can live in flying saucer

CHATTANOOGA, Tennessee (AP) -- A mountainside house being auctioned in Tennessee is perfect for anyone tolerant of gawkers and fascinated with outer space: It's built like a flying saucer.

The home "landed" on a twisting road leading to Chattanooga's Signal Mountain in 1970 -- just after television executives grounded the run of the original "Star Trek" series. It will be sold to the highest bidder Saturday.

The circular house -- ultramodern when it was built -- is ringed with small square windows and directional lights and perched on six "landing gear" legs. It has multiple levels, three bedrooms, two baths and an entrance staircase that retracts with the push of a button.

Terry Posey, an agent with Crye-Leike Auctions of Cleveland, Tennessee, said the current owner has had the property only four months and didn't want to comment. Posey posted an e-Bay ad and said he already has a $100,000 bid.

John Kleeman of Litchfield, Connecticut, an attorney and space culture enthusiast, said he knows of variations of the flying saucer design in Florida, Connecticut and California.

The flying saucer designs popped up about the time of the moon landings. "That's when all the excitement was," Kleeman said.

The Chattanooga home's unusual shape -- sort of like two white Frisbees pasted together -- poses some interior decorating challenges. The curve of the exterior creates a sloping ceiling and short side walls, but there's also a striking curved bar and a custom bathtub.

The house is larger than the prefabricated and movable UFO-shaped structures, known as Futuro houses, designed by Finnish architect Matti Suuronen in 1968.

"It really looked like a spaceship ready to take off," said realtor Lois Killebrew, who handled an open house at the first sale of the Chattanooga home decades ago.

The late Curtis W. King and his family built the unusual home because "they liked to do unusual things," Killebrew said.

www.cnn.com

Posted by admin at 08:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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GO TIGERS!

CDR & PBR. 

Watch party tonight at Calhoun's.  Game at 6.

Download video 

Posted by admin at 03:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Inspired by Oscar winning screenwriter Diablo Cody, a local debut filmmaker (Every Day I Have the Blues) wants a cool pen name.  The writer is female and wants a strong, catchy name.  Send suggestions to ultraviolet@memphislimelight.com.

Thanks!

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Downtown Memphians need to start thinking about car sharing programs.  Most other cities in the country already have them in place.  A lot of us don't use our cars very often, and some of us have ditched them altogether.  But you're going to need one occasionally.  Let's put our heads together and get something started.

Submit a comment, or email me at ultraviolet@memphislimelight.com.

Posted by admin at 02:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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Jeanie and Melanie are two downtown gals who are seen out together often at local hot spots.  But after one of Jeanie's parties was crashed by a "no good moocher," the girls caused a scene that, hot, it was not.

"Well," says Jeanie, "this guy not only crashed my party, but he was caught stuffing beer and a new bottle of expensive rum in his backpack.  And why did he have a backpack, anyway?  I mean do you live on the street or something?  Not cool."

"Yeah.  Well then," says Melanie, "that's not all.  The next day she realizes a coaster was gone.  And it's not just some paper coaster.  It was marble and made by this cool artist guy.  So naturally, we assumed he stole it."

"So we were at EP's," says Jeanie, "just minding our own business, having some drinks."

"Oh remember that bartender?  He was so funny!" [Laughter.]

"Yeah.  He was.  But anyway, we saw him downstairs.  The moocher.  And guess what he had with him?"

"Guess."

"The backpack," says Jeanie.  "So you know what we had to do."

"And we had a great plan," says Melanie.  "I was gonna be nice to him and distract him while she went behind him and looked through his backpack for the coaster."

"And the rum."

"But I never could get him to turn away from the backpack, and then ..."

"I lost it," says Jeanie.  "I snatched it, and he grabbed a hold.  And we pulled it back and forth between us.  And then I jerked it away real hard and ran into the restroom."

"I ran in behind her," says Melanie, "and I guarded the door while she went through it."

"There was no coaster.  However, I did find a bunch of pennies, a Miller Lite, some cds, and a dead squirrel wrapped in fabric softeners.  What the fuck is that about?"

"But then," says Melanie, " a bouncer came in and told us to come out."

"There was a lot of yelling.  I was saying 'I know you have my coaster,' and he was like, 'why you gotta bring me down like that?'  Oh, and I forgot.  I twisted the beer cap a little so it would start leaking."

"Naturally, we thought he left the coaster at home."

"But the next day, I found the coaster at my house.  It was moved.  Under a plant," says Jeanie.  "But how can I be the guilty one?  Let's not forget about the squirrel."

"And the rum."

When asked if they have ever been in such a predicament before, Melanie says, "I was onced chased down Riverside by a gay guy who was screaming, 'I want that shirt!'

 O. Maya Gaud

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Arts Memphis is set to announce the top 15 finalists of their film contest on Mon., the 17th, and there is quite a buzz surrounding one filmmaker's debut, Every Day I Have the Blues, which features the local music scene. 

Once the finalists are announced on www.artsmemphis.org, they are to be voted on by the public.  Of course there's no guarantee the much-anticipated movie will make it to the finals, but it is a very exciting five minutes of digital video.

Posted by admin at 03:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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A local writer, whom we'll call Frances Murdock, pens a sports column called "From The Bench," in which he voices opinions about local sports teams.  Murdock's most recent spouting off about certain U of M basketball players is somewhat of an oddity, leaving a bad taste in the mouth of fans and inciting an angry cyber mob and a firestorm of comments.

Perhaps most surprising is that Murdock does not write for the Commercial Appeal who makes a habit of stealing community thunder, a point made by commenter 38103.  "WOW.  Are you trying to get a job at the CA with that dribble?  You need to get over having your lunch money taken from you at school when you were a little boy," 38103 wrote.

Certainly Murdock's judgments about the athletes, who are members of a most successful Tigers team, leave readers wondering not only if he did his research, but what Murdock himself was like in school.

Going on what was stated in the article (I didn't bother to research), I'm going to go out on a thick, sturdy limb here -- and hope I don't slip and crush my nuts -- and say that Murdock must have been valedictorian of his highly prestigious school and that he was really bad at sports.  I'm sure he was on the basketball team, but got very little playing time, hence the name of his column.

I speculate that in his senior year, though he had a respectable one-word major (with a minor in elitism), he came dangerously close to not graduating with honors when his final journalism project contained an overuse of parentheses and headlines that referenced journalism greats, overemphasizing the importance of his silly editorials. 

But of course, fortunately, everything worked out for young Murdock because he never, and I mean never, not even when he was a sophomore, solicited sex from prostitutes.  He never "made it rain" from atop a bar, and he never overindulged in alcohol.  (Everybody knows writers don't drink!)  And this clearly puts him in the comfortable seat from which he weilds his mighty pen at the home team, cutting those he calls criminals (metaphorically, of course). 

Murdock, even in his youth, knew that discipline brings success, and I predict that because he's not up for a promotion any time soon (or maybe he is -- I don't care), his soon-to-be new job at the Commercial Appeal will be the answer to the riddle of his ambivalence toward Tigerdom and his condemnation of those who reign in it.

By Ben Chwarmer, Sports Writer

Posted by admin at 05:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

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